[Editor’s note: There is a second, fake iteration of this column out today. This is obviously the real column.]

First off, there’s an amazing video tutorial from [Hackerman], embedded below the break. It’s a beginners guide to temporal displacement through GPU accelerated, cellular-connected partition board. The central flaw that makes this possible is a segmentation violation, accessible through a mode 6 cursor address reset. Watch out, though, because many mainframes actually have a core terminal capable of shutting such an attempt out of the grid altogether.

It’s a great guide, and definitely worth a watch if temporal security tickles your fancy. Watch out, though, because everyday objects can apparently act as bridges, infecting even users with temporal effects.

Twitter’s Tips (#5 Will Shock You)

Twitter’s best and brightest have come together to give us some of their best tips. The stellar advice ranges from classic goodies, like “change your passwords often”, to more modern truisms, like “[it’s] only critical if it’s covered by the media. Refrain from publishing any details to keep severity low.” My personal favorite is the truism that vulnerability mitigation is a wasted expense, and that money is better spent on a Web Application Firewall, which is sure to keep you out of trouble.

Other hot takes include the advice to use Stackoverflow for all your security remediation problems. Another user suggested keeping business hours on your website, so it can only be attacked while you’re at work. Perhaps the best was the advice that you name your dog something minimum 16 characters, using a mix of characters, since you’ll inevitably use the pet’s name as your password. Check out the #cisotips tag for more of these awesome tips!

How to Know When to Report Your Family for Computer Crimes

This is an old-but-good one. A quick guide to how to know when your kids have crossed the line, and you should call the police to curb their computer hacking ways. Some of the red flags to watch for are use of Tor, VM technology, or the dreaded Kali Linux. Also worrying are dedicated hacker hardware, like the WiFi Pineapple. Of particular note is Metasploit, given that it is “penetration software”. FInally, watch out for Discord use, as that’s where hacking tips are primarily distributed.

Virus Alert

That well known computer security expert, Al Yankovic, brings us a virus alert. (Video link.) This one is particularly nasty, spreading over email. The primary PoC is the subject line, “Stinky Cheese”. What makes this one particularly nasty is how it jumps the digital divide, causing havoc we don’t usually see in malware. Unfortunately the remediation steps are pretty involved. There is the normal immediate shutdown as soon as you discover the infection. From there, the suggested fix is to relocate the machine to a geologically safe location, and then apply a silicon-based mitigation until the problem is completely immobilized. The final step is to completely thermally sanitize any materials that came in contact with the infection. Pass the word along and stay safe out there! We’ll see you next week!