At Hackaday, we’re tapped into Hacker Culture. This goes far beyond a choice of operating system (Arch Linux, or more correctly, ‘Arch GNU/Linux’, or as I’ve recently taken to calling it, ‘Arch GNU plus Linux’). This culture infects every fiber of our soul, from music (DEF CON’s station on Soma FM), our choice in outerwear (black hoodies, duh), and our choice in laptops (covered in stickers). We all wear uniforms, although a gaggle of computer science and electronics nerds all wearing black t-shirts won’t tell you that. We all conform, whether we’re aware of it or not.
Despite a standardized uniform for this subculture, one small detail of this Hacker Uniform has remained unresolved for decades. Are one-hole or three-hole balaclavas best for hacking? Which balaclava is best for stealing bank accounts and hacking into NASA computers? What offers the best protection from precipitating ones and zeros in a real-life Matrix screensaver?
We’ve come a long way in hacker fashion since the days of sleeveless leather jackets and rollerblades. Since the early 2000s — around the time anyone could upload pictures to stock photo sites — the defacto hacker uniform has been the balaclava.
Still, some hackers wear Converse, some hackers wear Vans, some wear one-hole balaclavas, and others sport the three-hole when they’re busy stealing your identity. Which one is best? Which kind of balaclava is best for pentesting? These are vital questions to the hacker community.
During his talk at ClavaCon 2015, 1337 hacker [xxXXStealinzYourzData420XXxx] spoke on the merits of the three-hole variety: “I like the three-hole version because your mouth is uncovered. That makes it easy to guzzle my favorite drink, vodka and Baja Blast Mountain Dew”.
However, there is little consensus in the community. Speaking at PenTestersAnonymousNoNotThatKindOfPen 2016, hacker [AllTheCool] opined on the subject: “Let’s be frank for a moment. While very few people can argue against the utility of the three-hole balaclava, it is by no means a fashionable piece of headwear. My job — hacking your private information — involves sitting alone in front of a computer for up to twenty hours at a time. I need to look good, even though no one will see me. The three-hole ‘clava just looks terrible, and they rarely fit well.”
So there you have it. Utility versus fashion, a never ending argument brought to hacker culture. But what if there were a solution?
The two-hole variant
Even in this discussion of the merits of a one-hole versus three-hole balaclavas, there is another option. The two-hole balaclava. The rare two-hole variant is something of a hybrid of the one-hole and three-hole. Like the one-hole balaclava, there’s a single slit for both eyes. Like the three-hole balaclava, there’s a hole for your mouth.
By any measure, this is a rare variant of the hacker’s favorite headwear. It’s difficult to find a two-hole balaclava on Amazon, AliExpress, or Taobao.
In a 2014 FBI study, it was found that only 0.3% of hackers wear a two-hole balaclava. Additionally, in a 2012 survey, it was found less than one percent of NSA contractors chose the two-hole variant for their uniform. Despite these statistics, there are marked advantages to the two-hole balaclava. First, with the uncovered mouth, it’s possible to consume alcohol. Second, the larger, single eye hole is far more fashionable. Fashion and functionality, what more could you want?
Unfortunately, the two-hole balaclava seems to suffer the fate of all practical fashion. Socks and sandals are eminently practical, but we just don’t do it because that’s a fashion faux pas. Cargo shorts are the perfect garment, but you won’t find them on the cover of GQ. So it is with the two-hole balaclava; no one wears them because everyone wears either a one-hole or three-hole balaclava.
While the merits of a two-hole balaclava are obvious, hackers still rely on the more fashionable versions for stealing data, credit card information, and social security numbers. We’re right where we started from, wondering which version is best for hacking, so we’re turning this over to the Hackaday community: Which balaclava do you wear when hacking, and why? It’s an intractable problem, yes, but still one that merits discussion. Leave your thoughts in the comments.
Puhlease, this is based on a complete media misportrayal of hackers, it’s NOT a balaclava people…
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Ninja-Mask-out-of-a-T-Shirt
I mean script kiddie wannabes might use a balaclava, but just think, there you are using a Low Orbit Ion Cannon to bust through a firewall and what happens when it finally gives way? Yah, pieces of firewall flying everywhere, so what happens if one goes in your eye eh? Think of that? How are you going to explain that at the ER?
Obviously therefore the seasoned hacker wears ballistic goggles, and what happens if you do this while wearing a balaclava? The damn things steam up! Special forces know this, that’s why they favor shemargs. The T-Shirt ninja mask has similar effect, it’s loose about your chin and tight over your nose allowing exhaled air to do down, and not up into your goggles? How the hell are you going to read patterns off the matrix in steamed up goggles, it’d just look like some bullshit screensaver ripoff.
You can spit in your goggles to prevent them from fogging up. Safety first!
safety first ? But I don’t wear a tie…
I know right, always getting snagged in the pivots.
Showing your age there eh? That particular issue with the Low Orbit Ion Cannon was solved with the advent of the Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon.
It’s Justaway for them to improve standards. I’m all for infinite shirt chest pocket but I’ll settle with Cargo Pants.The Phoenix always rises.
I was thinking this should be turfed over to Ask a Ninja.
j00 w4nt /-/4xx1ng, I’ll show you hacking…
https://youtu.be/Na1emN3SyXk
s/and our choice in laptops (covered in stickers)./and our choice in laptops (ThinkPads)
sed: -e expression #1, char 88: unterminated `s’ command
Why do hackers forget the slash at the end? Maybe because they’re wearing a balaclava.
s/ w/ not w/
You trust Lenovo?
Fool, obviously he meant the pre-lenovo t42, the most popular linux laptop for 5 years in a row!
The T60 and T61, while made by Lenovo, were effectively pre-lenovo. They’re also the last thinkpads you can buy with a hardware serial and parallel port (through an Ultrabay thingy, but linux sees it as true hardware).
The T60 is what you want.
Taken off you will itch and scratch for an hour.
“Dobre vecher…” *GAME OVER*
Any time I hear or read the word balaclava, this delicacy that my mom used to make comes to mind :
http://p3.storage.canalblog.com/32/83/1127088/97803603.jpg
It’s called a baklawa, and that what I use when hacking for days. I can’t hit that 2000 shell commands per minute on my custom carbon fiber model m without the finger stickiness provided by the honey, and the sugar keeps your mind working at 110%.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C5DomB-W8AU5KbR.jpg
Lots of fresh Pistachios, Mascarpone and Clover Honey. (Ensure the folio is soaked, not dry otherwise choking hazard!)
Only the two-hole is suitable for long sessions where you need to eat fries, burgers, and pizza. The one hole is stylish, but you can’t eat or power slam your drinks. Don’t forget the matching messenger bag to carry your gear when you’re running! Remember: cardio helps keep you out of the slammer/shallow grave!
+1
What puzzles me is that I have never seen a balaclava with an ironic printing on it. Something really doesn’t add up here. Standard hacker garment but no ironic prints… Hmmmmmm
My mask of choice when hacking: http://i.imgur.com/R390EId.jpg
Fucking hell I knew I forgot something…
Scarves and shemaghs offer a stylish compromise while still fitting in with hipster culture found in tech cities. You get the same face concealing options while also protecting your neck from the sun in the unfortunate case that you run out of club mate and are forced to walk to the store and interact with people.
While tied they have the same drawbacks as the one hole balaclava but you can easily untuck the face covering potion while still protecting your head and neck from harmful UV rays, thus preserving your monitor tan.
Yeah, you can get one with a circle A symbol on it to further masquerade as a wet college liberal.
I prefer shemaghs: http://www.wikihow.com/Tie-a-Shemagh
Start sappin’ sentries with this one weird balaclava.
Engineers hate him!
Engineers hate Abercrombie too.
Did someone named Chaz take your lunch money and give you wedgies in grade school?
I can’t be the only one that first read this as “Ask Hackaday which Baklava is best for hacking.”
One you can eat with your fingers, obviously.
Then you have Honey all over your keyboard and balaclava
You’re getting it, plausible deniability if you get caught with your fingers in a honeypot.
http://www.thebaklavaguy.com
The only real alternatives are the two and three hole variants as the one hole variant will accumulate moisture which is either a nuisance or a danger due to ice buildup (in colder climates or when hacking from within a freezer).
Some hackers don’t like freezers because there are no power outlets inside. Others just hack the thing and install a socket in the freezer (actually two, one for power and the other one for the freezer’s hidden serial port).
Regardless of hole preference, Nomex is a requirement.
I just turn my screen brightness up all the way and wear a welding hood.
Hey, you could buy up those spendy-bulb projection TVs for monitors and just use a carbon arc torch instead of a $500 replacement bulb!
Doesn’t that make it easier for other people to see what’s on your screen?
That’s a point, might screenburn your curtains.
When it comes to holes, more is better. Climbing in to unprotected holes is, like, our hole thing, you know?!
http://dvdmedia.ign.com/dvd/image/article/700/700350/plymptoons-the-complete-early-works-of-bill-plympton-20060405053819062-000.jpg
Balaclavas??? Real hackers wear Abercrombie (and Hollister).
In fact, what’s the best name for a hacker? Hackercrombie.
What’s the worst name for a hacker? Hackercrombie and B**ch.
It’s 2017, you need to wear dark glasses with your mask, iris scanners and eye recognition you know.
Also, what is best depends on the region and climate obviously.
Oh and you might consider a matching pair off gloves to maintain a certain style.
Who the the hell do you think would install an eye recognizing anything in ur mom’s basement?
Sorry, I meant our mothers basements of course.
Well, that sounds like an unwanted thing, so uh, the russians?
s/anonymous/Anonymous/
I use a single hole Alpinestars motorcycling balaclava, made of performance sweat wicking material. Cause I hack Hot n’ Fast.
Always the right tool for the job people!
This is my favorite set-up: http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/tf2freakshow/images/d/d1/Polite_Spy.png/revision/latest?cb=20151017180102
The real hacker dresses as the utility person and gets ignored
The real hacker is slightly autistic and have a hard time interacting with people.
If I’ve learned anything from Ghostbusters 2, it’s that this scheme doesn’t work effectively.
Please explain; what’s that orange thing the guy on the utility pole is wearing over his eyes?
Inverse balaclava
~balaclava
I used both 1-hole, 2-holes and 3-holes balaclavas in the the past.
They seemed fine and all but in reality once you know the feeling of a 4-holes balaclava you never go back.
The feeling of your ears sticking out is simply wonderfull.
…And don’t forget to get a 100% Scottish Lambswool at the very least because you don’t want a scratchy head !
Just wondered if there are any balaclavas knitted from conductive yarn. For the tinfoil hat function.
Not an april fool site…
https://www.lessemf.com/personal.html
They don’t block TeraHerz radiation. So last decade….
Thanks! Should have known…
OT
What /is/ useful are gloves with conducting tips. You can operate the capacitive touch screen of your phone without taking off the glove. A few years before these were in the shops I hacked one for my wife for Christmas. Turned out this isn’t as straight forward as it sounds, but this did work: thin patch of conducting foam rubber (slice of EMC packaging for DIL-ICs), sewn onto the tip of a regular glove using thin copper wire extracted from a power cord. The resistance is about right to trick the touch screen into sensing the finger inside the glove.
I thought the standard uniform was a drawstring hoodie with the string pulled really tight.
No, you’re thinking of muggers.
You forgot specifying the brand of that hoodie.
As a retrocomputing enthusiast, I still haven’t gotten in to the balaclava trend. No headphone ports? No thanks! That’s why I still use a vintage hoodie from 1993. Never washed either, that ruins the historic value. Sometimes old hardware really is the best.
I miss floppy disks that can either save or destroy the world https://b0.burst.zone/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/WD2BfVN.jpg
Well nowadays, you need a USB stick, and a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, to save the rebellion you need a betamax tape.
At least we have USB sticks that can kill laptops haha, To be honest a USB is all Snowden needed to expose what conspiracy nuts had been telling us for years, Well that and a security clearance.
I put mine on wrong, reversed it. Can’t see much though.
https://xkcd.com/1137/
https://www.google.com/maps/place/37°52'10.2“S+144°59’37.3″E
Load that, is it where you intended?
If I search Balaclava ON and go to the one near Owen Sound, and click on the main intersection, the map takes me to 37 Hwy 3, very odd.
One hole is great for eating, but I can’t see a bloody thing
Doxxed you…
http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/familyguy/images/b/ba/JakeTucker.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110106024559
I like the racing ones made by Simpson and Sparco. hey are fire resistant if your computer manages to erupt into flames while diving on a super secure system.
Last time I broke through a firewall little bits of it landed on my head. I would have been toast if it weren’t for my foil hat under it.
I remember back when I was in teen hacking in the late 80s-early 90s I never even owned one of these. Oh what a filthy unwashed pleb I was.
When I was a penniless college student, I had to make do with a toque pulled low down on my forehead and a scarf wrapped around my face…. because the heat was shut off and it was fucking winter.
How do we feel about tactical turtlenecks?
The hat-balaclava, always. Best for any kind of nefarious machinations. Also good for cold weather work.
https://d2ul0w83gls0j4.cloudfront.net/products/51/600/516753.jpg
For the budding young hacker…
https://www.kids-army.com/kids-s-a-s-balaclava-black
Personally I prefer the one giant hole option known as a hat. The colour depends on what I’m doing sometimes white, sometimes black, often grey.
The rules for balaclava use are,
1hole, these are used for installing nefarious code
3 hole, these are used for removing data.
2 hole, these are used for removing data and then attempting to cover your tracks.
No matter how much, or how little attention she pays to what’s going on around her, never let your mother find your balaclava, she will either report you to the authorities, or worse, sew the holes up, either way you’re screwd!
nice one! but you don`t need to wear the balaclava before you can be termed an hacker, go to hackersforhiresite.wordpress.com to learn how to hack