After months of cross-disciplinary meetings, some of the largest professional associations just announced their plans to submit an entire standard set for engineers with egos too fragile to accept design criticism. The Special Snowflake Standard or S2 (in compliance with Godwin’s law) ensures compromised mechanical and electrical integrity by ignoring proper design methodologies for more fluid definitions of success. The Special Snowflake Standard allows the modern engineer greater flexibility in avoiding self-improvement in their field while maintaining an advanced level of apparent competency.
The Standard follows an ingenious randomly generated naming scheme to hinder cross-checking and look-up. The honesty being the only change from the current system. It took us a while to navigate the websites built to serve the standards, as they themselves were built to the W3C.S2.01.d.f4r.7 Special Snowflake Standard For Geriatric Exclusion From The Study of Modern Web Development and therefore were only accessible through the Gopher protocol running specifically on SPARC workstations.
Nonetheless, after working through multiple W3C.S2.u.r.f4.u17 Probably PEBKAC Self Exclusion Of Responsibility Standard errors, we found a few standards we’re really excited about. Let’s take a look at a the highlights:
ASME.S2.w31.f.u.4c.17 Sudden Completely Intentional Disassembly (SCID)
ASME.S2.w31.f.u.4c.17 SCID defines the methods and requirements for alluding to the complete intentionality of a SCID event. Subsection l.13.s contains suggested professional phrases for misdirection from conclusions of incompetence such as “If the supplier’s QC was better this thin wall would have a FOS of 3 instead of 0.25”. Subsection 3.v4.d3 describes the use of pocket silicate particulates to induce a temporary ocular deficiency in an aggressively competent reviewer.
IEEE.S22.214.171.124.1 Random Reset Enable
IEEE.S126.96.36.199.1 Defines the methodology in which an engineer may introduce random noise, power spikes, ground faults, etc into a circuit design to induce random unpredictable resets in a standard way.
ANSI.S2.f1.r.3.y0 Acceptable Conflagration Levels
ANSI.S2.f1.r.3.y0 Defines the acceptable levels of incendiary behavior in properly under-designed devices. Defined within are the procedures and standards for avoiding proper testing of flammability and a helpful subsection with advice on the procurement of renter’s insurance.
ASME.S2.333.w.33 Acceptable Wobbliness
ASME.S2.333.w.33 Defines the standard for acceptable regular deflection in machines. Subsections include preferable vibration enhancement using improperly specified materials and methods for choosing incorrect bearing types for early failure due to abrasive dust ingress.
IEEE.S2.b.1u.3.5m.0.k3 Standard for 450-495nm Color Band Particulate Emittance
IEEE.S2.b.1u.3.5m.0.k3 Defines the standard for emitting particulates from critical components due to poorly defined reference circuit design, peer neglect to supply requisite information, or poor quality control on the part of the manufacturer.
ISO/IEC.S2.n3k.b.34.r.d Standard for Relative Opinion Worth
ISO/IEC.S2.n3k.b.34.r.d Defines a standard by which to evaluate the worth of constructive criticism on software by the arbitrary application of metrics unrelated to the content of the criticism. Criticisms may now be safely ignored by the newly standardized metrics such as programming skill relative to the developer, relative amount of local units of currency accrued, bristliness of upper neck hair follicles, dapperness of discount trilby, patch count, time available for personal contribution, resonating ethicality of preferred use license (measured in milli-Stallmans), and amicability to use of commercially developed products (measures in µSofts).
At this point the server was taken down by a Nigerian hacker using an OLPC as defined in ISO/IEC.S2.7.3h.h.4.x. Either way, we’re excited for possibilities these new standards provide. In a drastic change from their previous operation the Special Snowflake standards have been released completely free of charge. We initially thought it was an error, but we’re now certain it’s completely standard.